Q & A About Dealing with Jealousy

Question: How do I overcome feelings of jealousy and insecurity? It has ruined relationships in the past. I am afraid it is going to continue to haunt me in the future. I'm dating a wonderful guy now but I'm feeling the green monster starting to rear its ugly head already!!!!! 34 year old Female, USA

Answer: One reason it's hard to overcome feelings is that humans only have limited control over how we feel. What you have control over and what you can change are your thoughts. When you notice the feelings of insecurity that jealousy arouses, instead of acting on the feelings, examine your thoughts.

Here's an example. You're in a restaurant with your guy and he smiles at the waitress who brings your food. Your thoughts could be something like this:

Anxiety:
Why is he flirting with her?
Does he think she's pretty?
Does he think she's prettier than me?
What if he leaves me?

Anger:
He shouldn't smile at the waitress.
He's disrespecting me.
He knows I feel jealous when he looks at other women.
All guys are alike.

You think these thoughts so quickly that you react with emotion without realizing that your thoughts led you down the path of insecurity. What I challenge you to do is slow yourself down. Give yourself time to understand those thoughts. Are they rational? Where's the evidence that your thoughts are true? Where's the evidence the thoughts are false? What would someone else say about the thoughts?

When you test out your thoughts, most of the time you'll realize you are overreacting. Of course, if your guy is a notorious flirt, ogles women until his eyes pop out, or paws at women to see your reaction, I'm wondering why you would want to be with such a person. That's a whole different story.

Smiling at others is friendly behavior. Remember you are two volunteers in your relationship and you don't own each other. When you try to control how your guy acts with women, you will create distance, which is the opposite of what you want. If you concentrate on why you enjoy being with him and believe him when he says he chooses to be with you, you will lessen the fear and increase the closeness.

I must answer in general as I don't know the specifics of your relationship. I would encourage you to look for books related to dealing with jealousy to find more helpful information. I teach people Dr. William Glasser's Choice Theory and Dr. Albert Ellis's Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy. These help people to examine their unhelpful thought patterns to bring them more happiness to their lives.

Take care, Michelle

Michelle E. Vásquez, LPCRelationship Specialist
Licensed Professional Counselor
I help people build strong, healthy relationships210-663-9462
www.michellevasquez.com
http://languageofrelating.blogspot.com
http://powerofgratitude.blogspot.com
http://awaresingle.blogspot.com

What is your biggest question about your relationship? Send me an email and I will answer it for free!

For a list of self-help books I recommend, go to: http://www.michellevasquez.com/page10.html