Breaking up is Hard to Do

How do I break up with someone who has stronger feelings for me than I have for them? This is one of the hardest conversations I have been confronted with. How do I soften the impact on theirfeelings, while at the same time make it absolutely clear that a relationship with me is not an option?

Brie from Brisbane

Dear Brie,

I really appreciate that you want to be tactful and spare this person's feelings. The Conscious Dating program teaches its participants that when beginning to date, it's always good to have an exit strategy in place and to have it memorized. It's also helpful to know rather quickly whether the person you are getting to know is someone with whom you want to have a long-term relationship, who meets your Requirements, Needs, and Wants, by sorting, scouting, screening, and testing.

You have not said how long you have been together, nor how serious this relationship has gotten, but you do indicate that you want to "break up." If you've only had a few dates, you could tell the concerned party that you don't think your Requirements are the same as his and wish him well as he continues to date others. If, on the other hand, you've become an exclusive couple, your partner deserves more of an explanation.

When I've been confronted with difficult situations, I usually spend time writing out what I will say and practicing it carefully. Focus on your relationship Requirements when you rehearse, making sure to keep blame out of the speech, but rather telling your partner about what you need that is not going to be met in a relationship with him. Remain firm, but gentle, as this person may tell you he will change, since you've said he has stronger feelings for you than you do for him. If the chemistry and attraction are not there, you cannot make them appear. Be very clear about your Requirements, which are the deal-breakers that you cannot ignore, and without which any relationship would be unworkable.

Michelle E. Vásquez, MS, LPC
www.michellevasquez.com
714-717-5744